adjective, -er, -est.
1.willfully or knowingly causing pain or distress to others.
2.enjoying the pain or distress of others: the cruel spectators of the gladiatorial contests.
3.causing or marked by great pain or distress: a cruel remark; a cruel affliction.
4.rigid; stern; strict; unrelentingly severe.
(www.dictionary.com)
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One of my favorite songs is the 1988 tune, "Don't be Cruel". I love the beat and the message is timeless; a message that speaks volumes about a portion of our world unfortunately.
There are numerous forms of cruelty whether it is from dictators, presidents, CEO's, parents, siblings, etc. I am focusing this article on relationships as I find it the most fascinating. I have seen friends and acquaintances damaged by cruelty throughout the years; some have improved their situations while others have successfully removed themselves from their life of cruelty. In both instances, loved ones or friends played a significant support role! In my wide circle of friendship, there are still those who are hopelessly floating in the cruelty abyss they created yet are scared or not tough enough to do anything about it.
Even though Bobby Brown’s song is about women being cruel, it should resound with men as well as I have seen them display different yet similar actions.
Below is a taste of the relationship cruelty I have witnessed or been told about in Sweden and America:
1) Men taking advantage of women by leading them on even though they have no intention of marrying or being with them. After dating for a while, a woman should know if the man is only dating or wants to develop a serious relationship. If a man feels or knows that a woman is "falling for him" or "in love" and doesn’t have the same feelings, he should do the right thing and tell her. The woman may still want to continue dating but at least she will know where she stands.
In the wonderful 1983 movie, Terms of Endearment, I was surprised and pleased to watch the moment when Jack Nicholson's character told Shirley McClain's character that he was starting to feel obligated by the relationship and he was not that kind of man. In others words, he wanted his freedom. He expressed his feelings in no uncertain terms instead of hiding that fact and continuing to be with her. Even if it hurts, one should not be afraid of sincerity with regards to our true feelings.
2) Men and Women treating their spouses disrespectfully in a public place. I have been shocked at the way some people talk to their spouses or belittle them in the presence of others. In the good relationships I am aware of, that kind of cruelty would never happen publicly and I doubt the disrespect would occur in the privacy of their home! For those on the receiving end of such cruelty, stand up for yourself and confront the cruel treatment. If not, you are only allowing yourself to be disrespected, not to mention the pain it causes any children involved.
The husband of a woman I know treats his wife in a vicious way mentally. Everyone close to this lovely woman knows about his degrading treatment and the pain she is experiencing. I believe she is not getting the proper support in order to to deal with this abuse. She needs a good friend to get involved or the pain will only heighten.
I treat you sweet, take you out at night
But you never say thanks girl that ain't right
(Lyrics from “Don’t be Cruel)
Written by L.A. Reid, Babyface, and Darryl Simmons
3) Women and Men not appreciating what they have. The grass is rarely greener on the other side although many idealize what they don't have or take for granted what they do have. If you are with a person that is good, respectful, and ambitious, comes from a decent family and doesn't have too much mental baggage.....be thankful. He or she may not be exactly what you were looking for but very few of us get exactly what we want in life. It is difficult to find a quality partner yet many discount the good person for a variety of reasons and end up losing them along with the exciting and positive life they could have had.
You gave me your heart I gave you my mind
But a true love affair we could never find
Although I want you bad I could let you go
'Cause there's a lot of girls out there that won't say no
(Lyrics from “Don’t be Cruel”)
4) Men and Women trying to change their partner - In my experience, people generally DO NOT CHANGE after the age of 30 but it is never a good idea to try to change your partner. Does it really matter if a man doesn't want to clean the house? Many men have never had to do this chore yet are pushed to do so after marriage. Is this sort of change really worth it? Compromise can be advantageous in this situation as this sort of attempted change is a small thing in my opinion.
In addition, I have seen men attempt to make the independent woman they liked and married less independent after the marriage. Needless to say, they weren't successful. I have always seen independence as a positive; a characteristic men should embrace! One’s focus should be on the BIG things in life (i.e. being a good parent, learning how to become a better person, influencing our youth or helping those less fortunate) not the small and often insignificant ways in which people try to change someone.
5) Woman nagging and Men trying to solve the problem instead of listening - As tough as men seem to be, all we really want is to feel important. Simple ways to do this are positive comments to him (i.e. about being a good father, loyal son or the way he works hard for the family). Consistent nagging for whatever reason will not enhance a relationship although it can provide a major irritation for the man. If there is a serious family or marital situation that needs attention, sit down and talk with your man about it as nagging won’t solve anything. In addition, do your best to make him feel important (being positive usually helps) and you will be surprised at the benefits you receive in return.
Men must become better listeners and be open minded about the issues/concerns on a woman's mind. It can feel cruel to a woman when a man doesn''t listen and tries to give a solution to the words he is hearing. We need to slow down and embrace the art of talking openly and listening intently to our partner. Communication between men and women can only be successful when we care enough to truly listen, embrace her words and not try to fix the issues on her mind.
There's really not much I won't do for you
I bought you 12 yellow roses and candy, too
I like to be up front and never play the back
But the way you treat me girl is like a heart attack
(Lyrics from “Don’t be Cruel”)
6) Adultery - I understand some of the reasons why men and woman cheat yet that does not excuse the cowardly and cruel act of adultery. If you no longer want to be with your spouse, show your backbone and tell that person! Don't be afraid of hurting him/her when revealing your true feelings about the relationship because frankly the truth does hurt sometimes. Cheating is rarely a good thing although I have seen it bring people closer together but not often.
Now you know my name, now I know your game
You want to be with me you got to be the same way
That another girl would be and if you wanna be with me
Uh don't be cruel
(Lyrics from “Don’t be Cruel”)
Last year, I wrote about two people who have experienced cruelty before and after their marriages yet continue to endure it. You can find the article "Losing Your Life: All at Once or One Day at a Time" at the following link:
http://gswede-sunday.blogspot.com/2008/11/losing.html
At least one of these men wants out of his relationship and the other probably has not come to grips with the dire situation he is in. One thing is certain, if both don't at least address the double cruelty (by their partners and to them for enduring it) they are faced with, the tunnel to happiness will get narrower and narrower until their family flame has burned out.
In my opinion, there are only three avenues to take if you are involved in a cruel relationship: Stay, Confront or Leave. The latter 2 are the best road to travel.
a) STAY in the relationship or what I call “Do Nothing” - If so, the doom of the union is inevitable. The union may stay intact although it is likely to be unfulfilled or lifeless.
b) CONFRONT your partner or spouse and get the help needed to find specific ways to improve the relationship – You must be bold and act if you care about your well being!
c) LEAVE the relationship even though it might be painful or involve children. Displays of cruelty or cruel unions do not make a productive or happy household.
Finally, if you have a friend who is in a cruel relationship, I implore you to help them in any way you can. Far too often, friends who should help those in dire straits feel awkward about getting involved. We should support our friends in this critical phase of life. I’ve been involved in the relationships of friends and even some acquaintances in terms of support or guidance. Some of the things I said to them were tough to say and painful to hear.
Some of these relationships prospered after a rough beginning while others continue to struggle. A few have been blissful for years and others have broken apart bitterly or uncomfortably. As a friend, I was never scared to pose the tough questions or give my frank opinion when asked.
Cruelty in any form is disheartening and relationship cruelty (given or taken), can negatively affect a person, union or family for years or even a lifetime. If individuals, families and communities are going to emerge from this current economic crises, compassion must move to the forefront and cruelty must take a back seat.
I have no doubt that our world will recover from these challenging economic times but the difficulties will intensify if cruelty continues to wag its ugly tail in relationships.
Let’s pledge to do the work necessary to improve our own cruelty, embrace the art of compromise and help those in need of our support.
Happy Gswede Sunday!
Gswede in Brooklyn Heights, NYC during the summer of 1998 - Cruelty would devastate the city three years later when the World Trade Center (behind me) was destroyed on Sept 11, 2001.
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