Great: notable; remarkable; exceptionally outstanding.
(www.dictionary.com)
It’s not possible to be great in all 4 areas as greatness in just one aspect of life takes immense time, skill, sacrifice and dedication. I’ve only done one great thing in my life which was achieving a Division 1 collegiate basketball scholarship; a goal that found me practicing for hours nearly every day from ages 9-18. My only focus during those years was a) getting good grades in school and b) perfecting my basketball skills; everything else took a back seat. To give you an idea of the enormity of this task, consider that one only has a 3% chance (http://www.ncaa.org/) of playing NCAA collegiate basketball in the USA with less than 1% of high school seniors obtaining a Division 1 basketball scholarship.
Actually, I have two notable achievements as marrying my wife was my greatest move off the court!
I know women (in and outside my family) who are:
-- GREAT Mothers, GREAT Wives, Good Shape, Good Career…OR
-- GREAT Mothers, Good Wives, Great Shape, Good Career…OR
-- Good Mothers, Good Wives, Good Shape, Good Career
What I have never seen (or heard of) is a woman who is great in all four areas. In my opinion, it’s unachievable particularly if one wants to be great in a career. To reach the top in any profession will inevitably take away from the other three. Likewise, being a great mother and/or great wife will sap away the energy required to be in top management at work.
What a mother should be striving for is to be GOOD in all four areas and even this category is not easy to achieve.
How I define good:
1) Good Mother – Elements include (but not limited to) teaching/educating a child well, giving them love and values, setting boundaries, protecting them, feeding them nutritiously, giving them quality sleep, providing discipline and being consistent in her actions. Then she “lets them fly” and make their own mistakes and doesn’t suffocate them or show an abundance of criticism. A good mother lets their child bloom once adulthood arrives and tries not to be their best friend, destroy their dreams or live life vicariously through them.
It’s difficult to be a good mother (or father) if you don’t:
a) Master your Me Time – Men tend to do this better than women but it is extremely important to feed your soul or life might just pass you by. (See the link below to gain some “Me Time”.)
http://gswede-sunday.blogspot.com/2009/05/master-your-me-time.html
b) Know that life is about Benefits – If YOU are not first in your life, how can you be of benefit to others? Living one’s life for others while never taking care of YOU could lead to disaster in various aspects of life. (See the link below to learn about benefits.)
http://gswede-sunday.blogspot.com/2009/01/life-is-and-should-be-all-about.html
c) Respect Marriage – Infidelity is a serious wrecker of marriages and relationships. Have the courage to tell your partner that you are not happy or want to get out of the union instead of practicing unfaithfulness. (See the link below regarding falling for the flesh.)
http://gswede-sunday.blogspot.com/2008/04/temptation-dont-fall-for-it.html
2) Good Wife – There are a variety of elements to being a good wife and many ways to achieve it - depending on what the woman values, the man she is married to and what is important for both in the union. There are different strokes for different folks so in order not to misrepresent my thoughts, I won’t generalize.
Below are a few paragraphs I wrote about my wife last year in the article “Has Marriage been your Best Decision?” (The link follows)
When I met my wife, I could sense the sweetness in her soul and I knew in my heart that I wanted to explore and learn more about her. We were both fortunate to have that moment when we knew a life together could happen. From that time, a magnificent love has blossomed in ways I could have never imagined.
Good Mother – After meeting my wife's loving and warm mother, I knew that the acclamation to motherhood would be fairly easy for her. She impresses me in this area daily. Our son is very fortunate for her comforting ways.
http://gswede-sunday.blogspot.com/2008/08/has-marriage-been-your-best-decision.html
Only you know if you are a good wife (or husband) as the face that some couples present to friends or the general public is quite different from what goes on behind closed doors. If marriage HAS NOT been your best decision, chances are that being a good wife (or husband) will remain elusive.
In talking with men over the years, a few elements were critical in order to be good:
a) Making your man feel appreciated -. Most men just want to know that they are appreciated for what they do. Take the time to tell or show your man the things you like, appreciate or admire about him.
b) Don’t nag your man - I have yet to meet a man who liked to be nagged. If there is an issue to address, talk about it openly and don’t nag.
c) No Drama – Both women and men can feel blue or have bad days. It’s never good to put one’s misery on the shoulder of another. Keep your drama to a bare minimum and when possible to yourself or a good friend.
3) Good Shape – If you are not in shape or overweight, what kind of example does that show your children? It does not take an incredible amount of time to eat nutriously, work out a few times a week and be in good shape. Both women and men complain about the lack of time to get in shape yet they will find the time to watch a few hours of TV each week! Having "no time" is a poor excuse. Keep in mind that being in good shape usually makes life easier, more productive and more enjoyable. Most of the women in my circle take this seriously although a few I know (in Sweden and the USA) don’t seem worried and are unfit or 10-15 kilos (22-33 lbs) overweight under the age of 40.
For those in the unfit category, it only gets tougher to lose weight or become fit as you age so I implore you to make a lifestyle change if you care about being healthy enough to enjoy playing with your grandchildren. If not, those golden years could be the most painful period in your life.
One of my articles about being in shape can be found at the following link:http://gswede-sunday.blogspot.com/2009/01/if-obama-has-time-for-exercise-what-is.html
4) Good Career – When a woman consistently achieves, is motivated and satisfied. The career should not take away from the family unit. Most women are the ROCK in the family and it can fracture or disintegrate if a career takes up the majority of the time unless the husband is a stay at home dad. That doesn’t mean that a woman cannot travel for weeks or work late nights. Time away can actually be good for the family especially with a father taking on more responsibility and spending time with the children alone.
Just being a mom, a wife, in shape and having a career is a job that requires immense energy, love, endurance, patience and discipline. I marvel at how some women excel in being proficient in these areas and I have profound respect for them! Most men could never understand or fathom the dedication and discipline it takes to manage the family triangle not to mention that a woman’s efforts are often taken for granted or under-appreciated.
If you’re a woman who wants to do it all, go for it but keep your focus grounded in reality! Make sure to go after it in a strategic way and don’t waste time, energy and years by striving for the unreachable “GREAT Mom/Wife/Shape/Career” status.
Good, Good, Good, Good is the wiser and more sensible choice.
Happy Gswede Sunday!
A Door in the south of France - Gswede's ex- girlfriend showed him the simplicity and beauty of photographing doors around the world.
5 comments:
now you've struck a nerve - i hope. this post could easily be revised to read "husband" everywhere you've written "wife". but regarding the specific points you address here, it boils down to managing expectations. for example, booking a meeting should not be limited to one's professional life; book a meeting with your partner or "me-time" for a quiet jog or yoga, and hold it with the same regard as a client meeting. when a colleague/boss/client calls to request a meeting for say "thursday at 16.30" and you've already booked a meeting with your partner at 17.30, say, "no, that's not good for me. how about friday or monday?" deadlines and expectations are small contractual obligations that each of us has a responsibility to manage. and if we're too optimistic, we'll be late and stressed and irritable and leave ample room for it to affect our relationships, health and wealth. think of it like you do the laundry every week; if you manage expectations every week and block off time in your calendar every week for yourself and your partner/family, it's possible to achieve a "good/good/good" rating as a "parent/partner/professional". and the result will make you feel great/great/great. which is something that only you can measure. thank goodness :oD
Part 1...
My first reaction upon completing your blog was “well, the definition of the word great does not apply to all in the same manner”. But since I know, and you do mention it later, that you’re coming from a more generally accepted position where everything else is equal, I see your point.
I may sound a bit biased but I have to say that I had a great mom, who was a great wife, and had a great career. It simply didn’t mean that all three evolved at the same time with the same tick of the clock. For one thing, my mom, is still conducting herself as a great mom ‘til this day and probably will do so for the remainder of her years. She may even exude her greatness long after she’s gone with the voices inside my head that I choose to ignore, from time to time. She was a great wife for a short period of time that overlapped the other two. She gave up on that part when she realized that the man she married, my dad, was not on the same page when it came to love and respect. But she kept the family unit together for as long as she could and until we were old enough for her to let go. She did have a great career, that also overlapped the other two for a brief moment, but then she made the ultimate sacrifice, that most mothers of her generation did and give it up once my dad excelled and she could focus on us. I still think that was her worse move in life, because she was one of the few female computer programmers for CBS at the time and who knows where she could be right now…maybe delivering the eulogy at Cronkite’s funeral? Who knows! In any event, she chose otherwise and I respect that and I think that her ultimate sacrifice to make sure the “home” was as a good a home as it could be, was mission one for her.
Granted, today’s woman, mother, and wife, face a more complex set of challenges in much faster moving world where Westernized woman carry the torch for achieving gender equality while holding her breast to feed a hungry child with one hand, and holding a blackberry to keep up with ever changing world in the other. She has to go out of her way to prove, to herself, above all, that she can do it and she’s up for the task. She is expected to be as modern and progressive as single women are, yet try to maintain a “home” as conventionally comforting as possible. She has to be fully aware of the now at work while she’s constantly reminded that missing the slightest beat because she took a leave of absence for child, could cost her that potential promotion that is more often than not given to a much younger, more career driven woman or just another man. The biggest challenge she faces is dealing with the Westernized male childish and insecure ego that comes with the package she decided to build her life around.
Part 2...
I think that any woman who has chosen such a path in life is GREAT period! She deserves all the accolades that come with all the rigors of taking it all on. Why should she be judges on her performance? Based on who’s rules? You turn the corner and the perspective has shifted, so why should she be chastised for not shifting on the fly? She adjusts at her own pace but somehow manages to keep it together at the end of the day when the lights are dimmed and heads are laid to rest. She’s a loving mother to her kids, her husband, and her boss. She’s a wife that is expected to understand when he’s not “feelin it”, perform on demand when he is, and somehow she’s expected to look good (sexy even) doing it. Then she’s to be the woman that has become the symbol of today’s fight for recognition and self-worth.
I’m sorry, G., but your definition doesn’t match mine. Any woman who can get her kid to stop crying on the bus while forwarding an email her boss lost and making sure her toe nails don’t smudge before she gets home because her husband likes them painted red, is indeed a GREAT woman in her own right.
It takes a great husband, which I plan, pray, hope, wish, aspire to be one day, to realize this and do his very best to remind her that she is the greatest thing that ever happened to him. Which you have done in my presence, by the way. I just don’t think that pointing out others you think may have fallen short according to your standards, is such a “great” idea.
You know I love you, dawg!
M.
I, too, feel that the concept should be applied to men as well. I have found that men are much less stressed than women regarding this issue since they place lower expectations for themselves regarding "doing it all".
I have found what works for me, who cannot master being "good" in all areas at the same time, is that different areas get less or more focus at different times.
I can now after 5 years of having my own business relax a bit in that regard and have shifted my focus on getting back in shape. After a 3 year hiatus to the gym, I have gotten a personal trainer 3 times a week. I do this with my daughter which gives us more time together while focusing on fitness. This would not be possible to do without the business doing well.
I am not married so my partner (I feel too old to call him a boyfriend) is the area which I focus less on. A mistake perhaps but the kids, work and getting back in shape is priority number one. Hopefully, we will have our time to focus on each other soon.
Essentially, what I am saying is that I am not able to be great, less alone good at all areas at the same time. What I have learned after many years of beating myself up for it, is that it is OK. As long as I do my best and try to meet everyone I come across (family, work, etc) with compassion and honesty, I am satisfied.
"Great mother, great wife, great shape, great career..." oh the pressure!! I'm exhausted already! Boring! Forget it! Throw in the towel! For me it isn't about "doing it all," but learning how to do LESS with a little more mediocrity! I can just "be" and that is good enough. We all reflect greatness when we live in alignment with our values.
Post a Comment