One philosophy that can help improve relationships is "Equal or Better, Preferably Better".
Give some thought to this Gswede term when searching for or considering a potential spouse. Some may find this philosophy hard to digest (reality is often that way) but have faith and read on.
Definition for Equal or Better, Preferably Better:
To consider someone for relationships/marriage ONLY if they are equal or better to your qualities and/or characteristics as an individual. That doesn't mean that everything has to be the same but overall, she/he should be on a level playing field with you. Equal is the lowest you should accept. Ideally, the person should be BETTER so that you can learn from them and have even more power and strength as a couple which will help immensely in the inevitable tough times.
Do not take the word "better" as a negative. It just means that the person has more positives and strengths and brings that to the relationship which is a good thing.
Why is the term so important?
Because successful relationships/marriages I have witnessed all have couples that are similar overall (particularly in background, ambition, and values) yet different enough to be exciting. Yes, opposites do attract but that is for short term dating not long term relationships or marriage.
A hypothetical example:
Mrs. X is successful in business, charming, ambitious, attractive, has the proper values and a strong family. She should ONLY consider someone that has similar qualities/characteristics. A potential Mr. X doesn't have to be charming but he might be calmer. Mr. X doesn't have to come from a strong family like hers but maybe he is an successful entrepreneur that has more time for the family than most men. Mr. X is an attractive, ambitious man with good values. Like the X's, when the comparisons are made, the couple should be more similar than dissimilar.
A friend's marriage demise:
This friend met a woman and admitted early on that she was not someone he thought was good for him. He should have listened to his inner voice. He is a sailor, golfer, athlete and lover of the outdoors. She doesn't like any of those things and makes it difficult for him to enjoy them alone. She is high maintenance and he is not therefore he is constantly trying to please her. The only real similarity is that they are both smart; other than that they couldn't be more different. His mistake was not choosing someone "equal or better, preferably better". I like her but she is not right for him and vice versa. They were struggling mightily before they had a baby including major drama weeks before the child was born. From my perspective, it is just a matter of time before they separate or divorce.
This philosophy can be hard to implement at times as some present themselves superbly but behind the facade is a completely different person.
A true example of how appeal can be misleading:
My friend met a woman and fell in love. Her family was not cohesive and her intentions were misguided. He trusts and loves easily and she went after him intently. Everyone he knew could see this and thought it wouldn't work including his own mother. He knew nothing about her history and really didn't care. She appeared to be "equal or better, preferably better" on the outside; great job, family oriented, attractive and charming just like him. They got married and had a child. The marriage was over in 2 years. This is a case of all emotion and no reality. My "Take the emotion out of it" (July archives) might have helped him avoid this costly mistake.
A TIP for Men in the "Equal or Better" search: Don't be afraid of a woman that may have more ambition or is doing better in business or is the sole bread winner. That kind of "better" is positive. One of my dearest male friends is a stay at home dad with a wife who makes the money for the family; they are one of the strongest couples I know. Also, looks are important but NOT the most important.
A TIP for Women in the "Equal or Better" search: Give the man a chance that may not be where he wants to be in life or is not that charming but is a good man with positive values. And sometimes NICE GUYS are just that, nice guys and deserve your respect. I have seen nice men get taken advantage of because they were simply to pleasing. (So men, be nice but don't over do it to the point of irritation).
Aim high for "Equal or better, preferably better" if you want to be successful in the often difficult relationship road. Even if you find someone that appears to be in that category, do your research on the person by adhering to my "Choose Wisely" and "Take the Emotion out of it" principles. One must dig deep and consider all elements about a person before letting them into your life. To do that, you need the courage and skill to see the true REALITY of the situation.
This philosophy has served me well particularly after my 30th birthday when I had the focused wisdom to know what was best for me to succeed. No years and very little time were wasted with unproductive relationships which I am grateful for.
I encourage you to learn and engage more in the relationship arena by reading, listening, observing, questioning and being curious. How else does one learn? My thirst for education never stops and never will!
My wife is an amazing and beautiful woman but I might have missed the opportunity to meet her if I didn't have my priorities straight by only letting woman into my life that were "Equal or better, preferably better".
Happy Gswede Sunday!
This Gangster of Love has 2 quality choices in his search for "Equal or Better, preferably Better". (Gswede's private 2006 Halloween party in Stockholm, Sweden)
1 comment:
Hahaha I remember that party!
Post a Comment