Remember, You're the Parent

I’ve been observing parents for as long as I can remember. The parent/child relationship was fascinating to me before I had children and is even more intriguing now that I am a parent. Sometimes, it is difficult to tell who the child is and who the parent is.

Two examples of witnessing the child as the parent:

1) After a basketball game with my toddler, I watched in amazement as my friend was attempting to put his child of a similar age into his car. She was hysterical and adamant about not wanting to get in! I wanted to leave yet the noise level kept me glued to the scene.

He asked me, “do you have any candy”, and fortunately I did. Soon thereafter, she was in the car effortlessly. Who was the parent? Clearly the daughter as she controlled the situation by keeping herself out of the car until she was bribed with candy. In my opinion, he should have put her in the car confidently despite her actions which would have given her two important lessons:

a) That she has to listen to her father and go into the car because that is what he wants.

b) That dad is the parent or person in charge.


2) This is a general observation since I have witnessed this scene on numerous occasions.

Whether in the grocery store, at home, in the park, or picking a child up from day-care, the puzzling scene of seeing a parent RUSHING to appease the actions of a child instead of leaving on his/her terms, makes me wonder, “What are we so in a hurry for”.

Normally, the child is not happy for whatever reason so the parent goes up a notch in speed thereby making the child and the situation rushed! Often a parent leaves quickly to avoid what others may think. What are we teaching our children when we rush to accommodate their misbehaviour instead of talking to them or gently calming them down? Impatience comes to my mind.

There are countless things wrong with rushing, not the least of which is that accidents occur more frequently when one is rushed. In addition, the child is controlling the parent when the parent is the one who should be in control.

Gswede and Son on Easter Sunday


Two examples of witnessing the parent as a parent:

1) A toddler was having a mini-tantrum at a birthday party, jealous or annoyed at the lack of attention she was receiving. Something had to be done as all eyes were on this child. What happened next was a powerful lesson for me and a moment I won’t forget.

The father firmly and calmly removed his daughter from the scene and into a private room. They were absent for at least 15-20 minutes. During their talk, I mistakenly walked into the room and witnessed a focused toddler listening intently to her father. I was impressed by his touch as the girl was only a shade above two years old. When she returned, her change in demeanor was the difference between night and day! It was obvious who was in control of this situation.

2) I took my son (under two at the time) to an indoor swimming pool and he was unhappy. Although he likes the water, he hadn’t been in a pool for quite some time. He whined and yelled until we were the focus of everyone’s attention.

I knew I had to immediately take control so instead of rushing out due to embarrassment; I calmed him down by EXPLAINING that we came a long way to go swimming and reminded him of our positive times in the water. It took every ounce of my calming nature to make him feel comfortable and have a few splashing moments! He never became fully relaxed although he did enjoy himself.

A friend of the family had invited us to the pool and she learned an important lesson that morning. She told my wife how impressed she was at my calmness and admitted that if it were her child, she would have left immediately.

What would I be teaching my son if I let him take control just because he was uncomfortable? It would have been different if he had never been swimming or was screaming violently but this was not the case.

There is little doubt that effective parenting is one of life’s biggest challenges. It takes a multitude of qualities; with one hopefully being that the parent was raised lovingly, taught well and shown positive values. If not, being an effective parent could be elusive.

We can only do our best as parents and hope that our children adhere to the lessons taught. Most of us won’t know how effective we were until our children become adults and begin to take on the world. In the interim, there is one thing that is in our control and that is the leadership of being a parent. One cannot be afraid of how others view us or a screaming child in public. We should be concerned with what we are teaching our children in their mini moments of crisis.

If you have small children like me, it will be another two decades before the fruits of our parental labor manifest in a bitter or sweet way. Until that time, we should embrace the privilege and blessing of parenthood. Our children are looking to us for guidance, discipline, strength, love, wisdom and support particularly those under 5 years old which many believe (me included) are the crucial developing years. If one is not the parent in most situations, the lessons learned could hinder their success in life.

A dear friend has 3 children and seeing them together frequently gives me a high dose of inspiration! He interacts with them in a firm and fair way while at the same time listening to them. He then explains his actions so that they understand why he is acting in a certain manner with a particular issue.

It is crystal clear who the parent is whether he is with one child or all three. His children should be better adults for his wise actions although they might not realize it now.

I find that most parents love being parents; some do it effectively, others do it fairly well and far too many shy away from what it takes to succeed. Whatever level you find yourself at, we can attempt to always be the one in control and keep the important line below close to our heart.

Remember, You’re the Parent.

Hope you had a wonderful Easter and Happy Gswede Sunday!