Happy Birthday IGP!

As my family was boarding a recent flight back to Copenhagen, my 6 year old daughter started crying. She told my wife "I miss Grandma". 

She remembered that we were supposed to be visiting my mother this past week. It would have been the first time the kids enjoyed the warm east coast of America during the beginning of summer. In addition, we were going to celebrate Grandma's birthday and mine. 

Because we live in Sweden, my daughter has had less than ten visits with my mother, although the emotion she felt warmed my heart. She loved her Grandma. 

My mother died almost two months ago. It was a hectic time as her illness took a dire turn for the worse, but thankfully I made it home for her final 24 hours. Writing about that experience was something I needed to share.

A Dying Mother Waits For Her Only Child

During the last 60 days, I've been reflecting on my mother's Memorial Celebration, which took place on May 11, 2015. Those two hours have comforted me immensely and helped to ease the pain of losing her.

Once my wife, cousin, uncle, aunt and I were seated, I noticed that only 30-40 people were inside. What I had forgotten about is the tradition of guests arriving to greet those family members in the front row. 

The loving words I heard weren't unexpected as I knew my mother loved deeply and gave with all her heart. What was unexpected were the private stories whispered in my ear; some from people I had never met before. 

One was particularly memorable as a woman I didn't know, told me how much she appreciated Mom faithfully visiting her dying mother and doing whatever she could to help ease the burden. That was classic IGP (Isabella G. Payne), being there for those in need.

I noticed that the place was filling up and there was still a long line of greeters.

Throughout, there were an inordinate amount of people from one of my mother's favorite charities - The Central PA Food Bank. She volunteered there for 17 years. I greeted at least 15, including one woman who wrote me the most beautiful personal note about her friendship with Mom - words I had someone read at the Memorial. 

The people kept coming. It was starting to get warm (86f outside) so I had them crank up the air conditioner. A cool atmosphere is critical for times like this. All the hand held fans disappeared.

It was a good thing the place was able to expand, as they needed to slide panels away and bring in more chairs. By the time the greeting line ended, it was standing room only. There were approx 225 people there.

The celebration started beautifully as Mom's good friend and Pastor (Thornell Strawn) set the tone. He gracefully paraphrased what my mother had told him during her last hours.

"If they are expecting a funeral, tell them to go Home. I want it to be a celebration". 

And a celebration it was, led by Pastor Strawn. He ran the program flawlessly and was relaxed, warm and in the moment.

There were two singers selected by my mother. One a man (Mario Witt), who sang a favorite song of Mom's. The other was by Alice Penn, who has a lovely voice. Both songs joyfully lifted the room higher as music often does. I wish they had sung two songs each.

3 people spoke. 

Mom's good friend Mary Alice Crosson began and celebration was on top of her mind. She was witty, sincere and captured the essence of Mom as a friend. The crowd was smiling during her 10 minutes; a speech she did without notes.

My dear cousin Andrea Nolley was next. She was like a daughter to my mom and knew her as well as anyone. In my absence, she looked after her better than I ever expected. I'll be forever grateful for that act of love. 

Her speech was eloquent and moving. The audience was listening intently and she couldn't have honored her Aunt any better. Not long after, My wife Matilda mentioned how impressed she was. Andrea was a hard act to follow.

I was third in line and talked about motherhood and the lessons/values Mom instilled in me. 

A passage is below.

"As a mother, she was primarily about 3 things….Love, Discipline and Dedication. She taught me well and provided many lessons along the way. I affectionately called my mother IGP (her initials) sometimes, and IGP was very focused on making sure that she raised a good son. She was no nonsense and uncompromising on the values she wanted to instill in me, yet she always surrounded me with fun, happiness and love. I couldn’t have asked for a better childhood."

I ended the talk by reading a favorite poem I had written for her almost 15 years ago to the day. I held my emotions together as I knew I would. It was only the last few lines when I felt my insides begin to quiver and my lips start to tremble.

Mom's eulogy was given by a deacon (Joe Robinson) at my Mom's church. I had heard him speak numerous times and he never disappointed. Mom had asked him to do this five years ago.

His story of Mom's giving nature was superb. He compared her experience to a woman in the bible and provided a powerful lesson. I have no doubt he inspired many to rethink how they give to the world. In addition, he talked about how focused and diligent she was in rising to important jobs during her 35 years in state government; something not easy for a black woman to do back in those days.

And the spirit of the moment caught him more than once, often speaking extemporaneously and with a fiery passion. It was obvious he put an immense amount of thought into the eulogy, which I appreciated. At one point he said to the crowd "I'm almost finished", although I was hoping he was not. My hope was fulfilled as his wonderful words kept dancing, much to my delight.

After the Memorial, we invited the crowd to enjoy a meal at the room above. It was the perfect ending to what was a magnificent celebration...exactly what my mother wanted.

In the week after, Mom's 84 year old Brother (Stewart Robinson) said to me three times how impressed he was with the Memorial. That felt good as Andrea and I wanted it to be special for Mom's siblings. 

My Mom would have been 78 years old today (June 28). The physical is gone but her spirit of love, compassion and giving shines brightly.

Happy Birthday IGP.

Happy Gswede Sunday!

Donald, Isabella and George Payne - 1977 (Grandfather's 70th Birthday)

A Dying Mother Waits For Her Only Child

"I would STRONGLY RECOMMEND coming home immediately with plans to stay 2-3 weeks until the end. She loves the Lord and has made it clear that she is ready to go."

Those words from my mom’s friend (a church deacon) came to my smartphone in the late afternoon of April 29. It was clear that she was in dire condition.

My mother had been struggling with a new cancer treatment, although nobody expected her to deteriorate this quickly.  Despite living in Sweden and being a 9 hour plane ride away from Pennsylvania, USA, I felt a sense of calm. I had an immediate faith that she would wait for me. Fortunately, the plane landed early the next day and my ride arrived on time. The traffic and weather weren’t ideal, but after a 4 hour drive, we arrived at the hospital at 8:30pm on April 30.

Seeing my mother gave me immense relief and she lit up! She was alert and looked better than I expected. The stress of all day travelling slipped away from my body as I had made it safely and she had waited. Our embrace warmed my heart.

Below is my cousin Andrea’s account of when I entered the room:

"She knew that her prayer had been answered - to see her son one last time. She knew that her faith had made it possible. Her smile stretched from ear to ear and her eyes were like saucers! Her life was complete."

Mom and my cousin Andrea

Along with my cousin, some of Mom’s closest friends and family were there. It wasn’t long before I showed her a card that my daughter Nova-Li made in anticipation of Mother’s Day. She commented on how nicely drawn the picture was. I also noticed the 2014 Xmas card of my family on the wall - the only picture in the room and one that probably gave my mom strength. She adored her grandchildren and loved her daughter in law.

After a few hours, everyone was gone except Andrea and me.

Before I arrived, Mom told Andrea to make up a bed for me at her home. She was frequently thinking of others. Despite my mother’s insistence that I get a good night’s sleep at her house, I never considered leaving her room for an extended period of time. Andrea stayed with her the previous night and the room was big enough to accommodate both of us that Thursday night.

Mom had a comfortable night of sleeping. Having us there made it easier as she mentioned how Andrea being there Wednesday night had put her mind at ease. The toughest thing for my mom when she was put into the Intensive Care Unit (ICU), was the constant 24 hour care of the ICU team, although she realized they needed to monitor her closely. She wasn’t in pain, but found it hard to adequately rest or sleep due to all the various treatments.

Friday started well and Mom ate a good breakfast. Her spirit was positive. At this point, I was severely tired and in need of a good shower. I cleaned up at Mom’s house (only 5 minutes away) and got some breakfast. I was back in less than 90 minutes. Andrea did the same when I returned.

The day was filled with numerous people stopping by, many who cared deeply for my mother, including three friends of mine who hadn’t seen her in quite some time. Mom asked that we not have too many visitors, so we made sure the crowd was never too intense.

Some people sang her hymns while others read the bible.  Being a religious woman, these moments touched my mom. Many came by to pay their respects or simply be by her side.  There were a good flow of people throughout and it never became too much to bear for anyone. She enjoyed the comradery. I asked my friend Sean to pray in the afternoon and he delivered a beautiful one with her. I could see that she was moved. There were times when my mother was sleeping and in those cases, someone was usually there to hold her hand.

In mid afternoon, Mom’s energy was in full force and she decided to make some improvements to her memorial program. She couldn’t have been more lucid, as she was able to give key points to me and the pastor about what she wanted to change, despite having a breathing mask on. After she was done, she said these words (more than once) with about 10 people in the room:

“If people plan to come to a funeral, tell them not to come, I want it to be a celebration.”

Those words were classic IGP (her initials) and what I affectionately called her sometimes. She never wanted anyone to be down about her death, but to think about her and the life that she lived. I had heard her say those words on many occasions.

In the next hour, we had a wonderful moment, courtesy of family friend Delmar and his brilliant idea. He suggested having a Mother’s Day celebration for my mom a week early.

Andrea and her sister GiGi got cards, a ballon, a cross and an angel pin. All who were in the room wrote messages and signed the cards. When we entered the room, Mom was curious about who thought to do this.  We each took turns reading our messages to her. She was in tears often, happy throughout and was immensely touched. It was a loving moment of honor and celebration.

Considering the circumstances, the day couldn’t have been better. It was 5pm. She ate some dinner, although it wasn’t long before she was resting again.

Shortly after, my mom was in hospice care, as there was nothing more to be done. Her health wasn’t going to improve. She looked intensely in my eyes and I could see that she knew the end was near. It was a powerful moment. My mom had been prepared for this day, thus the aforementioned message to the deacon that she was ‘ready to go home’.

 

Close friends and family, including several from the church were with her all evening until about 10:00pm. She hadn’t been alert all night. Everyone left soon thereafter, with only Andrea and me remaining. We prepared for another night of sleep by her side.

As I was dozing, the nurse called us up to Mom’s bedside. She told us that she was slipping away. Andrea and I held hands and watched her take her last breath. It was 11:24 pm on May 1. At that moment, I was so happy to have my cousin there. She had looked after and cared for my mom in ways I never expected. I was full of both sadness and gratitude.

The day had been surreal for me, yet I remembered what my friend Dee in Sweden had told me before I left. He said to “be in the moment George”, which I did to the best of my ability.  When one is losing a mother, there is no preparation for that. So much was going through my mind, but I did stay fully present.

The toughest thing I ever had to do was saying goodbye to my mother. We were very close and enjoyed a wonderful relationship. I couldn’t have asked for a better mother or childhood. She made me the man that I am, including the invaluable lesson of giving, which inspired many who came into her life.

It was almost unbearable to be alone in the ICU room, knowing that I would soon leave my mother’s body for the final time. I don’t cry easily, although tears were abundant. There has been lots of good in my life, although one of my greatest gifts was having Isabella G. Payne for 77 years.

It was a blessing to be able to spend time with my mother during her last 24 hours. One of her final acts of strength was waiting for her son. I will always be grateful for that.

Happy Gswede Sunday!

 

Mom and I  in Sweden

Boost of Energy on my 11th Year in Sweden

I received an inspiring call this morning from an expat living in Sweden, who after many years of dire struggle, has finally turned the corner and is now in a calmer and more positive place. I've been a shoulder to lean on or ear to listen to, all the while, attempting to keep his spirits high. He never gave up, stay focused and kept positive throughout, which I admired. His call came on my 11th year anniversary (April 16, 2004) of being in Sweden, which was a great boost of energy.

Some expats have his type of struggle, while others have a smoother one like mine - a disheartening first few years (common), but a very good overall experience. Many are somewhere in the middle. Every situation is different of course, but there is a unique struggle about Sweden, outside of the normal challenges of moving abroad.

For those who haven't read my 2009 blog - "5 years in Sweden", I encourage you to do so, as it will give you some insight into being a new expat here. I wrote it in order for future expats to gain some important knowledge before they move to Sweden, as far too often, many come to this Nordic country unprepared for the reality.  It's still my most popular blog and one I'm proud of.  A passage and link are below.

"During the job hunting process in my early years, I rarely received an interview from a Swedish company. When I did, it was clear that I was not going to be a finalist for the job. Ironically, one of the few and best interviews I secured occurred before I moved. It was from a top non-profit organization that did fundraising work with corporations, much along the lines of the fundraising work I was doing in NYC."
http://gswede-sunday.blogspot.se/2009/04/5-years-in-sweden-there-is-no-place-id.html

After a bumpy start, Sweden has exceeded my expectations, for which I'm very grateful. There are lots of things Sweden can do better and numerous things I can improve upon to make my journey even sweeter. Every year, Sweden and I are moving closer together.

Happy Gswede Sunday!

Friend Greg Poehler's TV show about being an ex-pat in Sweden

Be Like Spieth?

Before hole #17 at the Masters Saturday, I was ready to coronate Jordan Spieth with the coveted Green Jacket. He had been masterful up to that point. I had a special tweet prepared and ready to send, although history has taught us not to be premature.

With an impressive 7 shot lead going into those final two holes, all he needed were pars on both and the 2015 Masters was essentially his. At worst, he would have had a 6 shot lead going into Sunday, which is ideal for a young man in search of his first Major. If so, I wouldn't have worried about a similar ‘6 shot lead’ collapse that Greg Norman displayed in 1986.

It was Spieth’s first ‘moment of truth’ at Augusta at #17. I expected his nerves to show and he didn’t disappoint. He stumbled badly throughout the hole, missing what should have been an easy bogey for him, and carded a double bogey. Instantly, that 7 shot lead was down to 5.  

He made a valiant effort on #18, with a great chip shot, to save par and probably put his mind at ease somewhat going into the final round. Justin Rose birdied hole #18, so Spieth's lead for Sunday was only 4.

Game on.

Patterns are important in most facets of life and here are Spieth’s:

--  Round 1 – 64

--   Round 2 – 66 (36 hole scoring record)

--  Round 3 – 70 (54 hold scoring record)

--   Round 4 -- ?

Yes, he’s gone downhill each day, but he has set two Masters records in the process. He should feel good, but those final holes on Saturday have to linger in his young mind. Instead of slamming the door shut on Phil Mickelson and Justin Rose, he left it half open.

To be fair, he’s only 21. His success on the PGA tour thus far has been spectacular for someone his age. These three days at Augusta will only be a footnote though, unless he wins today.

I don’t think he will. Here are a few reasons why:

1)      Phil Mickelson is a difficult 5 shots back, but has won the Masters three times, and has five Majors in total. That comfort of knowing how to close at Augusta will be invaluable. Look for Phil to be one of the last men standing.

 2)     Justin Rose has been super on the back 9 holes at Augusta. He should be at ease as well, despite never winning here. The comfort of having won a Major already should make him an aggressive player today. Since he is paired with Spieth, that intensity may be a distraction.

3)     Tiger Woods and Rory Mcllroy play two groups behind Spieth and they have nothing to lose. Woods is legendary and Rory is on that path with multiple Majors already, so they should attack the course fiercely. The roars from their crowds could be another distraction.

4)      Spieth would still be in college if he didn’t turn professional and this type of Sunday pressure is tough for anyone with a three day lead, including seasoned veterans. How will he handle the challenge? And let’s not forget Rory’s choke in the 2011 Masters at a similar age.

5)      No guts, No glory – Will Spieth have the guts to not ‘play if safe’ by hoping that a round of even par (72) will bring him Masters Glory? He should be aggressive and go after the gold.

6)     The Golfing Gods can be incredibly cruel at Augusta. Ask Chris Demarco (2005) or Rocko Mediate (2008) or Len Mattiace (2003) or Ray Floyd (1990) or Hubert Green (1978) or Ed Sneed (1978) or Scott Hoch (1989).

With all the aforementioned potential disruptor's, the best Spieth can hope for is even par (72) in my opinion. That could be enough to win, but I wouldn’t count on it.

Here’s the tweet I have waiting:

With Michael Jordan, they said “Be Like Mike”

There’s a new Jordan in town, his name is Jordan Spieth.

“Be Like Spieth”

#Masters2015Champion

I hope Jordan Spieth proves me wrong, as I would like to see him win and send that tweet.

Enjoy what should be another great Masters finish. I’m excited.

Happy Gswede Sunday!

One of many fun golfing days in Sweden

Duke Won (So Did I)…And An Act Of Kindness

I take the annual NCAA ‘March Madness’ College” Basketball Office Pool very seriously. I love the sport, played at the Division 1 level and enjoy competing, so this time of year is a joy for me.

I’ve participated in one in New York City for 13 years. On average, there are 80 bracket sheets that people fill out each March in our pool, with points assigned to each round. The person who gathers the most total points wins a substantial cash prize.  I’ve come in 1^st place 6 times in those 13 years, including a 3-peat from 2003-05.

Despite my success, I made a big mistake with Duke in 2010, which I vowed would never happen again. I didn’t have them winning the championship on any of my sheets that year and it cost me, as they won the title. Typically, I have at least one sheet with Duke University as the winner.

I learned a valuable lesson as one can never doubt a team with a leader like Duke's Coach K – one of the most accomplished coaches in any sport. If I had only 1 sheet with Duke winning in 2010, it is likely that I would have won the top prize that year. That loss still bothers me.

In 2015, I didn’t feel Duke would win the NCAA title, but 2010 was swirling in my mind. They had talented freshmen this season and a great big man, although like many, I thought this was Kentucky’s year to go 40-0. On other sheets, I had Kentucky and/or Wisconsin winning, but I made sure to fill out one bracket sheet with Duke as the champion.

That sheet (at the bottom) won the top prize easily, with 76% of games chosen correctly. Even if Wisconsin had won, I would have taken 2^nd and 3^rd place, which combined was a substantial prize, yet lower than the 1^st prize.

Almost immediately, I decided to provide a kindness.

My competitor needed Wisconsin to win in order to claim the top prize. If Duke was victorious, he wouldn’t have won anything. Since I’ve been fortunate over the years (having never lost when final game decided top prize outcome), I offered him a deal.

If Duke won, I told him I would give him 20% of my winnings, and if Wisconsin won, he would give me the same percentage of his winnings. That way, he was guaranteed to win a decent amount of money.  I was going to win a large amount either way, so I didn’t want him to have a feast (top cash prize) or famine (Zero) scenario going into the Final Game. I’ve seen others lose that way and it isn’t fun. He gladly accepted

I’ve also written two posts (below) on how one can improve their chances for winning in their own NCAA office pool. It doesn’t give away my strategy (I have a formula), but it does present common sense tips for filling out a successful bracket sheet.

2014 article - Be the “Coach K” of your March Madness Office Pool

2009 Article - "March Madness" Office Pool - Tips for Winning  

 

The mistake most people make in office pools (including mine this year) is picking the favorite as champion, especially if it is an overwhelming one like Kentucky was this year. It’s best to be unique and enter an unlikely but possible scenario, especially if one is only entering one sheet.

Even if Kentucky went 40-0, the chance of one being victorious in my pool was slim as there was too much competition. 50 sheets had Kentucky as champs. I had Kentucky winning on several sheets, but would have won 6^th place; a small cash prize which would have only covered the entrance fee.

Only 5 players picked Duke as Champion.  I knew my odds of winning were good when I saw that.

I can’t wait until next year to defend my title.

Happy Gswede Sunday (a few excited days early)!

My 2015 NCAA Bracket Sheet - 76% correct

A Perfect UVM Moment (Made Unforgettable)

It was a beautiful and amazingly warm September evening at the University of Vermont, and it seemed like everyone was out in downtown Burlington. Some streets were blocked off in order to control and maximize the fun for students. It was the beginning of my senior year in 1985.

My apartment was only 200 feet from the core of the school’s bars and nightlife, so it was easy for me and my roommates to quickly partake in any scene, which was a nice perk. Some friends and I were enjoying ourselves to the utmost, until I lost them and found myself alone and in the heart of downtown -  the corner of Church and Main Street.

I looked up with appreciation and gratitude, and said softly to myself….”Life is Good”.  I remember that perfect moment like it was yesterday. I was fully present and very thankful. Tears almost came to my eyes.

I was a scholarship athlete, with a diverse group of friends, doing well as an English Major and had supportive parents. The school sizzled at the highest level my first three years and I soaked up many aspects of a fun university. There were memorable events, people and situations – occasions that still pop into my mind randomly.

It had been a wonderful ride at a popular university, and outside of my time on the basketball court (the opposite of glorious), it was terrific. My UVM expectations were exceeded as I wrote in this 2014 article.

UVM - Still Exceeding Expectations

Then the aforementioned moment became even more perfect.

On that same corner, I saw a young woman who almost made me lose my cool. She had a sweetness about her and a lovely smile; her beauty radiated. If I could have frozen that moment before we talked, I would have, as it was powerful. It was clear from our conversation that I would see her again.

She had a confidence and maturity I admired, particularly for a freshmen. While getting to know her, it was clear to me that she would be successful and create the life that she wanted. After reconnecting with her in 2008, it was no surprise to hear how her life had unfolded. She wrote fondly of her kids, husband and journey, words that left no doubt about her happiness.

I’ve been fortunate to have a great life and family as well, with a full load of fantastic moments, although that early memory is one I will never forget.

The Forgettable UVM Basketball Years - 1984 Team Picture

The “Give and Take” of Networking

For those interested in maximizing life, networking should be a constant, especially in Sweden, where it can be invaluable for increasing employment opportunities and progressing on a social level.  I've stepped up my game lately by hosting an expat event a few months back and engaging people more deeply. 

Several weeks ago, I met an expat dad and we had an easy conversation; our flow was superb. He has an interesting life and dynamic background. Like me, he’s married to a Swede.

As with most expats, the subject of jobs usually comes up because of the difficulty of finding quality work in Sweden. He mentioned that he applied for one at a company where I knew an influential employee. I told him that I would talk to my contact for him. He was thrilled.

I told my contact that I only met this dad twice, yet had a good feeling about him. I asked her to put in a good word. She immediately wrote an email to the hiring manager, which impressed me. He quickly got a phone interview and had the face to face not long after; something that would have never happened so fast without the connection; maybe not at all.

I invited the dad to lunch earlier this month at one of my favourite places in Lund. As I expected, his interview was very positive.

I've done a lot of networking 'good' in my almost 30 year career, which I’ve enjoyed immensely. If I can help someone along my networking path, it makes the experience even better.  I never expect anything in return although sometimes, people have thanked me in nice ways, which I appreciated.

But…if I should need that dad's help down the road, I will not hesitate to ask him and I have no doubt he will help. A good networker usually finds a way to reciprocate.

Never be afraid to engage those you have helped in the past. Be politely persistent if you must, as sometimes people forget about what you have done for them. I've seen friends unwilling or hesitant to call in a favor after helping someone, which never fails to puzzle me.

Wise networking isn’t easy and sometimes requires a gentle balance of 'Give and Take'.

Give as much as you can and the good will often come back your way. It has for me in a variety of beautiful ways. Do 'Take' when you have a need though, as I've yet to see a person I've helped, not return the favor in some form or fashion when asked.

Happy Gswede Sunday!

Happy Networking!